hi there. my name is jackie. i'm a very confuzzled person and have been thinking about seein a doctor about this particular problem. i think that medication may be the right route for this problem. however, i do realize that if the side-effects continue for more than 3 hours to consult my doctor immediatly.

alright, enough wit the viagra commercial. i'm bored. but whatev. the reason i'm confuzzled is the following:

austin n i have been goin out for almost 2 months. in that time, we've laughed, sledded, cuddled, gone to homecoming, made out, and done pretty much everythin else except the full thing. however, i really dont want him to only like spendin time wit me so he can stick his fingers...nvm we dnt need explicit details here. lmao. recently i've been wonderin if thats the only reason he likes me or if he actually likes spendin time wit me. he says he does n i've known him for almost 2 years. not only is he my bf, but he's also my best friend at school. i tell him stuff and he makes me laugh and i love hanging out wit him. i just dnt kno if he feels the same way n if he doesn't is it just cause of the other things? jeez i hate this shit.

so then, u kno, if he does like me for more that just that (which i doubt highly, but whatev...i'm just paranoid) then should i let it go "all the way"? i dnt rlly want to just yet but i mean he'll prob break up wit me either way: if i dnt, he'll leave...if i do, he'll leave...so why not just get it over with? idk idk idk idk idk

:P so yes this is why i'm confuzzled. n pissed. cause i want it to be more than just that but i doubt it is. however, the fact that i've dated more guys that the years i've lived n i've seen how they are contributes to this paranoia. i just dnt want to lose him as my best friend if/when we break up but i kno thats very likely. fml.

so there you have it. there's how it stands now. i'm dr. jackie n i'm signin offf

hmmm...so, wat is it about life that makes it so hard, and yet just as satisfying? lol i have no idea, so don't ask me. well, i'm sure u dnt care bout the first or the second one, but whatev. i need a place to write this stuff where normal ppl wont see. (yes kharen, i did just call u AB-normal...lol u kno its true so dont go gettin pised)

well, last night austin and i went to the mall and he's always commenting on how i'm always cold, so he asks if he can hold my hand. i'm like "sure, whatev." so we go through the mall holdin hands. then i got to drive home. lol had to throw that in there. well, we go upstairs and we crawl onto my bed (don't get any ideas here ppl lol). we start cuddlin and we're all nice and warm, but we keep bein interupted. lol. typical. well, he has to leave, but he gives me a hug and tells me bye.

last night i had a dream. lol. in this dream, this girl (marta olson, for anyone who cares) hit me in the knee wit a field hockey ball. (not entirely impossible, seeing as we've nvr quite been "buddy buddy" lol) well, austin carries me to my house and fixes my wound and then lies me in my bed and tucks me in and tells me good night as he crawls in next to me.

odd, yes. lol

on the other hand, he had a dream last night he tells me that we were in bed together and i rolled over and said "i love u" and he said "i love u too. now go back to sleep"...hmmm...odd...

well, this morning he txts me and i wish him good luck on his football game and he tells me one of his friends saw us at the mall holding hands. he wanted to kno what our relationship status was and i said "wat do u wanna tell him?' and he says "i wanna tell him ur my girl. is that cool?" and i said yes.

so i guess its official. strange. ur best friends wit a guy for a year (plus) and then, whoops, didn't see that coming, ur going out. oh no big deal or anything...

Wait. WHAT?!?!?!?! HOW did this happen? Where was I?

well, these questions all flashed through my head as i get this txt.

well, it gets better. so i tell him to go on facebook to chat, so he does. there, we proceed to talk for 2 and a half hours!!! don't ask what we talked bout...u probabaly don't wanna kno. lol.

so...that's my latest situation. i'm dating my best friend and he thinks i don't wanna...the reason for this is because i'm not high all the time so i didn't jump into his arms and tell him i was SOOOOOOOOOOOO happy about this. wtf? *shakes head*

well, this is all great. however, there is just ONE problem. as i have been reviewing my relationship history, i dont think hookin up wit ur best friend is a great idea.

here's the basic equation:

me + austin = temporary <3
however
messy breakup + best friends = -friendship

therefore, i gotta keep this thing goin or breakup nicely. hmm, well i'm fucked. lol

here's one for fml.

today, as i recieved a txt from my best friend asking if i wanted to be his gf, i didn't think of the results that could happen. however, as time passed, the thing exloded in my face and my best friend in the world wont talk to me anymore. FML.

well, hope u liked that lil thing.

love all my buddles (specially my sleepykins <3)

-j-kins

You know how sometimes someone will come up to you and ask you how is your life?

yeah, well, i luv that. a lot. today this freshman (haha lol of course, right?) came up to me and was like 'so, how's life?' and i'm like...okay? but then i gave this question a lil more thought and i think i have a pretty good answer...

pretty excellent, as far as lives go.

lol, i kno, i kno, i sound JUST like a typical teenage girl who's goin to homecoming with the only guy she wants to and has just aced a couple of tests, but STILL...

here's my sched. since austin asked me to homecoming,

-Get off bus
-Go to locker
-Meet up with austin
-Have austin walk me to class
-Meet up with austin after 1st
-Have austin walk me to 2nd
-Meet up with austin after 4th
-Go to class with austin for 5th
-Have off with austin (god knows what goes on there!!! lol jk)
-Have austin walk me to 7th
-Text austin after football
-Talk to austin the entire night

this isn't strange, as this acutally had happened before homecoming too. lol we've always been good friends. but,now its...different. it's just weird.

for instance, we were taking our PLAN tests and i'm sittin there and i get this overpowering urge to kiss him. i have no clue why. most of the guys i date we START by makin out n end up...elsewheres...lol. but austin is different. its so WEIRD! sheesh. no one tell me i'm in love. god, that's the last thing i need. lol. i just...i dont kno...we always have just been friends, but now it's all 'god, just kiss me right now...'

now, this need would probably be satisfied during 6th period...if my friend stephany would ever leave us alone. but no, she is now into waiting for us after spanish (5th) and following us. urgh. i luv her, dont get me wrong, but...nvm...

well, apparently we're gettin a homecoming group together. n guess who's the leader? of course, urs truly. lol. so far, i've got me, austin, harrison (another guy who wanted to go wit me to homecoming. sorry! :( ), zach (harrisons right hand man and my spanish mate), abby (harrisons good friend and my spanish mate), camille (my good lesbian friend and spanish mate), and stephany (my bff who i set up to go to homecoming wit harrison)...lol...so complex!!!

alright, i'll be back but...urgh...another sleepless night is coming...bleh insomnia sucks!!! lol

hasta luego peeps,

-j

so, it's been 3 weeks of hell. lol jk, its not THAT bad. but i felt like giving me teachers like a review on their performance. thank god they probably won't see this.

first period is algebra 2 h/trig with mrs. geoglein. don't ask me how to pronounce it because it would be a lil difficult without telling u. she's pretty funny, but i not doin very well in her class. i suck at math, so no surprise there. still, she makes it easier to understand then most. for example, yesterday she was talking to us about adding and subtracting rational expressions and she's talking about marriage. i thought it was pretty funny, but no one else did, so...idk. still, she's pretty chill, so...

second period is choir. ooohhh, hard one here. erickson is AWESOME!!! havin a teacher with add is the BEST! lol i kno that sounds weird, but he will just start on tangents havin nothing to do wit choir. for example, the other day he started talking about the wizard of oz when teaching us to not have a legato tone and everyone is just cracking up. i luv him!

third period is bio. smith is the best teacher i have ever had for science, i swear. he is so chill. we were talking about wat he does wit his 4 full periods and he says he goes and surfs the web. this girl asks him "how can u? all the good stuff is locked?" and he says "well, wat do u look at?" everyday i walk out almost suffocating from laughter, i swear.

fourth is world history. killoran is bomb! he gives hard assignments, but he makes it so u have fun anyway. i was gonna take ap, but he doesn't teach it and i knew he was the best history teacher at creek, so i had to take him. awesome class! for example, he asked how many of us kno how to use noodletools and most of us did. for the kids who didn't he told them to pay attention and for us who did kno to just nod and smile at the lady teachin us so she doesn't keep tellin us...love him!

fifth is spanish 1. chelo is...interesting? idk, he's not bad, but he isn't that great either. i like him and the class is SOOO easy, but...he not a bad teacher, so i'd have to say he pretty chill since we never really do much. lol. for example, yesterday he just gave us a worksheet to do the whole period and i finished it in 10 minutes, so i just talked the whole time. that's always nice.

sixth is off.

seventh is team sports. so boring, i kno. i couldve taken somethin else, but the doc said nope. anyway, team sports is ok. lane is the teacher. she can be kind of a bitch, but she's also really nice sometimes. we doin flag football n she just sits and watches, which gets everyone paranoid. i have a goal to get a touchdown by the time we finish, tho. i will do it! lol

eighth is english. titheridge. she's really nice, but she's too peppy for me. lol i kno that sounds really weird. she tries to be really nice to me, but i'm like "you're voice is making my ears bleed because it's so high pitched". lol i so nice. still, i like her. she's pretty chill.

so there you have it. my sched. my teachers. my ratings. lol. i think i was pretty fair on it...i hope i was atleast.

to any freshs picking their soph classes in the spring: refer to this and pick accordingly. lol, i think u'll be pretty pleased if u do. lol.

that it.

peace,

j-kins

So, perhaps for the last two posts u may have seen my mood has increased since last night. or maybe u haven't noticed. well, it has. and i'm gonna tell why.

so, got to school, bus driver pulled up at the right spot (i.e not the freshman stop so i can actually make it to my locker before the bell. yay!) i went to locker, got my stuff, and me up with austin. we walked to get him breakfast and then walked back to my class, where i went and sat down.

unlike most days of lovely algebra 2h/ trig, i understood what ms. g was telling the class. amazing! so this started me off.

walked with austin to choir, where i was assigned S1 not S2, which made me SOOO happy! i also found out i don't owe them anything for my choir outfit. yip!

went to science, which is always great. "what do u do on ur offs, smith?" "sit, wait, surf the net..." "what? but all the good stuff is blocked!" "...what are u looking at?..." lmao! luv that class.

walked wit stephany to history, where i answered a question right and then finished the vocabulary assignment before everyone else. yay!

went to spanish, which was great cause austin had drawn a mustache on his hand and was walkin around like that. i swear, he is so fresh-y, it hilarious. but we sophs, so it good.

off was fine...lol

walked wit austin and stephany to team sports. it started raining at stutler, but we had to run laps anyway. then flagfootball. eh...not the best.

got out early and walked to english. that was fun.

then went to sanrio! yay!!! got gum n candy 4 friends!

so, yeah, that was my totally awesome super fantastical righteous sick sweet day!

So, this is hilarious. I came across this list of resolutions and wanted to go through it to see wat happened and wat didn't. tee-hee

Resolutions
-To get a 3.5 to 4.0 GPA this year
-To be nicer to everyone (this could be a little hard)
-To get Jake to go out with me (not too hard!)
-To finish all of the following stories (My Very Own Wicked Parody; Just Alone and Loveless Here; Loving or Loathing; A Cool Wind; You Honey, You; *Nameless Rent Fic*; *Nameless Wicked Dream Fic*; When Worlds Collide; HSM meets Wicked) *Note: The last one is quite new and in pre-production*
-To lose at least 10 lbs.
-To be in a play/musical with an actual speaking part (which might just come true in a week!)
-To begin 'Dracula: The Musical' (lol! Can't wait!)
-To actually DO community service for NHS...(That one I've been slacking on...)
-To get an autograph from any of the following (Idina Menzel; Kristin Chenoweth; Michelle Federer; Norbert Leo Butz; Jenna Leigh Green; Megan Hilty; Eden Espinosa; Vanessa Hudgens; Zac Efron; Adam Pascal; Anthony Rapp) or any others who come to my fancy during the upcomign year. lol.
-To get a solo in choir (easy)
-To learn 10 new recipes (eh...?)
-To stop biting fingernails (Already done. Just want to keep it that way. lol.)
-To join either Cheerleading or Basketball next year

...

-Yes, I got a 3.86
-Well, I tried on this one...
-Nah. I got bored after a while and didn't even try.
-lol, what a joke. hell no.
-Uh, yeah. Duh. lol.
-Nope...=(
-No
-No
-Nope
-Yep
-Hell yeah. Cooked all summer. lol.
-Yes
-What a story. Tried out for both, got rejected for both. lol. oh well.

Well, that was a fantastic waste of time. Not like I care. lol. I don't have any homework, which is a first. YAY!!!

sign off,

-j peep

Ummm...beach? Duh. lol

uggh...today sucked...a lot...

i broke my fast, but it okay cause i didn't eat TOO much. that good.

we went to my dads friends bbq n i invited austin. at first, it was fun cause i was teaching him badminton and all, but we're both very competitive. so, soon he's better than me and then he's braggin.

soon, i'm sayin that i suck at everythin cause that what i truly tink, n he's naming things off and i keep saying 'no, i suck at that too.' finally, we just gave up. so, yeah, it sucked.

so now i really depressed and just want to curl up and die. but no, i get to go to that wonderful lil place called 'high school' tom. yay!!!

fml,

j

So, i came on here to rant, not to talk about my day. lol, so if anyone is looking for a possibly good rant, they might want to tune in. or not. whatever.

wats the deal wit homework? i understand that they want us to do it and get smarter, blah blah blah, typical educators, yes, but why does it have to suck so much???

i have an assignment (okay, that a lie, i have A LOT of assignments. lol) and it wants us to do a passage analysis on 'catcher in the rye'. i've already read this book before and i liked it. however, analizing the goddamn thing doesn't entice me to it much.

for instance, our teacher wants to know some of the langauge used in this passage. i'm near passing out because no one cares that holden uses a metaphor in the 3rd sentance and THEN he uses a SIMILE in the next!!! does anyone get my drift, or am i just talkin to a wall. or, u kno, maybe it a computer wit a FIREwall on it, idk. jk.

still, i couldn't give a shit about this stuff. if we're gonna analyze anything, couldn't it be character analisis? that atleast a little interesting. passage analysis? u've gotta be fuckin kiddin me. but whatever.

my teacher thinks its very important to the book. bull. the only good thing i'm getting out of that class is a good rest. which, i must say, is useful. :P

oh well. that was my daily rant. on my teacher. and my homework. lol. hope u enjoyed. (by the way, isn't the "contemplative" kitten the cutest lil thing ever!?!? idk, i luv it. <3)

So, basically today sucked. a lot. we went to church and i got out of communion by just gettin a blessing, but then we went to lunch and my parents were all "here, eat!". bleh. gross. so then i binged. i guess i'll have to start my fast tommorrow and go till the 19th. again, wish me luck!

the fair was fun. the little animals at the petting zoo were SOOOO cute. i loved em all. so that was good. i just gained like 5 pounds, no joke, tho. i hate myself. gross!!!

well, that all that really happened today. i hate myself at the moment, so now might not be the best time for talking.

fuck it all,

j

So, i've been thinking. maybe i should post wat has gone on in the last year+. u kno, if anyone cares about my life. which they prob. don't, but, who cares.

Well, I went to two dances last year. Homecoming and Snowball, our Christmas dance.

Homecoming sucked. My date ditched me to go hang out wit his best friend. I didn't want to go wit the guy, but he looked so sad when he asked and i didn't want to go alone, so...i said yes. biggest mistake. oh well. i talked to kharen the whole time and my other friends made me laugh, so it got better

Snowball sucked. I went wit my three friends, two girls (1 lez) and a guy. the lez was trying to get the other two together and i'm sittin there, going "uh, yeah, so wat am i supposed to do?" the guy had liked me b4 he liked the other chick, but the lez was pushin on the two so i was completly out of the pic. i hated it.

the summer was really good, tho. i went on a vacation, which was fun. i hung out wit the same guy, which was a lot of fun.

then school started, and that's been a whirlwind, but i like it. we've been hanging out so much. last night we went to a football game together, then on monday we going to a bbq together and then we're gonna try to see a movie sometime. fun fun.

um, wat else? well, i'm usually on facebook. a lot. i <3 it. but lj is great too, cause i can say stuff that i dont want everyone to see on facebook. so that good.

i'm 5'1, which is SOOO sad. oh well, all the guys call me "shorty" so that good. lol ;). i highlighted my hair so i've got some blonde highlights in it, so i dont look the same kharen. lol. i used to have dark blonde/ brown hair, but i wanted it to be different for school. i dont really have a "style", i just AM a style. lol. i wear whatev i tink will look good and usually ppl like it. i wear good stuff, tho. some ppl at my school have no fashion sense and i feel very srry for them. oh well.

i am single, although everyone tinks austin and i are a couple. we're just really good friends, that's all. if he asks me to homecoming, well then...lol i not expecting that tho.

if u dnt kno wat pr0aNa is, well, look it up. i'm not really pro-ana, actually, but i hate the term "anorexic"...so disgusting, i tink. but i really dont like it and i'm not in support of the "lifestyle" so i not pro-ana. i've been this way for 2 years, which isnt very long in fact. this summer i "got better" and am just now goin back so my parents don't suspect anything. tee-hee, lol.

um...i can't tink of anythin else. lol. i have msn and aim, so hit me up if u wanna chat.

peace

-lil j

Well, i kno its been a while since i've been on here and all, but i've decided to "get back in the habit". lol. so, i'm gonna try to post on here every day and update any one who cares about my life.

to all my pr0-aNa buds out there, i totally binged today, so i'm going on a 2 week fast to try to lose 15+ lbs. it's worked before so i'm gonna try to get there by my bday, which is the 19th of sep. wish me luck!!!

school has been kinda shitty lately, but its all good. i mean, its not bad or anythin, i just don't like gettin 2 hours of sleep a night and havin a ton of hw. whatev.

went to a football game last night for my school! go bruins!!! we totally beat smokey hills ass! lol. it was fun and my friend bought me a shirt. i feel totally bad tho cause i want to pay him back, but i totally broke, so... =/ i dont kno what to do.

thank GOD its a 3 day-er. i tink i would die if we had to keep goin and goin and goin and listening and listening and listening. urgh. i goin to a bbq on monday and a fair tom. which should be fun.

tried out for cheerleadin last week and that didn't go well. didn't make it, but i dnt really care. i figured i wouldn't make it. i'm happy for everyone who did, tho! *huggles*

um, can't really tink of anythin else to update on. i'll see how the fair goes tom.

oh shit! just thought of communion tom.! shit, how the hell am i supposed to fast when i have to do that! fuck fuck fuck. someone help? any suggestions are appreciated. thankies!

signin out,

-j

How would one describe my day today? Hm... Well, let's see. We should start with choir, my first period. For some awkward reason, everyone was really irritable today...so they decided to voice all of their opinions in choir today. Everyone was saying that we are the worst choir, thatb we need better outfits, that we need better songs, if our old teacher sucked, really sucked, or if he was the worst teacher in history. You probably get the point by now. It was a really ______ day today in that class. (You may fill in the blank how you wish.) So then, our new choir teacher decides that we're going to start this new song called "C-O-F-F-E-E" which was VERY stupid. Bunch of tests everywhere else, until lunch. Camille and I sang stuff from RENT...again. We do it practically every day. Soooooo much fun. Ummm...talked to Breenan a bit today. He was really nice to me...gee, what's new? (For those who don't know, Breenan was Troy in my schools production of High School Musical.) He was really funny though. We both started laughing in the hall hysterically, while all our teachers were passing by. It was quite humorous. He is so sweet. Speaking of guys, one of those species also talked to me. Corey is his name. He is in my History class and has this gigantic crush on me. Sigh. It's very pathetic. lol. =P. I should be nicer, I guess, but he barely tries. Today, for instance, we're in the lunch line and he leans on the wall, crosses his arms over his chest and says 'Hey hot stuff.' I was like 'Was this the best you could come up with?' I did not voice these opinions. Sometimes, however, I wish I would. This entry was mainly for Kharen, to update her, but anyone else who sees it is free to hear about my "interesting" life. Speaking of Kharen...I need to talk to you. I'll try to call you tonight. TTYL. ~Jackie

How to describe today?

lol. Good question. I think I would cook for Vanessa Hudgens and make her fajitas or my mothers spaghetti. Maybe not. If not her, than I would cook for my grandmother who is dead and make her a Ceaser salad.

*Hits head against desk* I have 'Let's Dance' stuck in my head from listening to it on YouTube, like, 200 times. Sigh. I am kind of pissed though, because the HSM concert came through my town and I never heard about it. Granted, I hated HSM back then, but still...I think I would have heard about it. *Pout* I could of seen Tommy's gf live! *Sigh* Sooooooo tired of this song...lol...but I'm still listening to it. I guess I'll work on a story or go on AIM and make my info say 'Let's Dance' maybe. *Sigh again* Tired. Night all! 

OMG! This is great! This summer or the next one, I'm getting a job at an amusment park as a performer, and you can do any song you want, so I might consider doing this one. Wow. I already know the song and the dance, so, maybe...lol...just wanted to get that in here. And no, I'm not pissed anymore. lol.